


Not a victim, just a guy

by darkmoore



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: First Time, Friends to Lovers, Imprisonment, M/M, Mutual Pining, Past Rape/Non-con, Rape/Non-con Elements, amtdi, rape-by-proxy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-01
Updated: 2015-01-01
Packaged: 2018-03-04 19:51:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3086666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darkmoore/pseuds/darkmoore
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set in a universe with no DADT. When faced with the choice of having sex with each other or die, John's past comes back to haunt him. Determined to not let consent issues ruin their friendship, a talk leads to some surprising revelations.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not a victim, just a guy

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Fawkesielady_ed](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Fawkesielady_ed).



> Written for Fawkesielady_ed as a s secret santa over at the sga_santa comm on LJ. This story really gave me a hard time. I did want to include the "non-con with a happy ending" thing Fawkesielady_ed wished for and I hope I didn't ruin it completely. Huge thanks go to my betas, ca_pierson and Brumeier. Bru basically RP-ed conversations with me when I was stuck and terrified, so it's thanks to her that this story exists in this form today. THANK YOU! You both are lifesavers, Ladies!

Prologue:

Hindsight is 20/20 they say.

Maybe John should have noticed the unusual interest the Uskion showed in Rodney’s and his friendship. Maybe John should have declined their invitation to share their wine and food, to sit and talk, to exchange stories and get to know each other better. But that was what they had come for, wasn’t it? To make new friends and trade partners. 

They’d seemed harmless enough. Hard working, down to earth people who hadn’t given in to the fear of the Wraith, that’s what they were. John and his team had done this hundreds of times and John had actually thought that they’d become pretty good at discerning which tribes they met with were the loony ones and which ones they could trust. Bows, spears and other kinds of weapons usually were a dead giveaway. With the Uskion nothing had seemed off. 

Until they decided they wanted John and Rodney to have sex with each other that was.

Unions such as theirs were rare among their people, they said. It was a special kind of bond Rodney and John shared and they shouldn’t keep it to themselves. It would please the gods if they celebrated their bond, precious thing that it was, by mating in one of their sacred chambers, witnessed by the clan elders. It was absolutely necessary that they agree to it, to bring wealth and prosperity to the Uskion and to bless all trade agreements between their peoples. 

They said that if John and Rodney didn’t agree, their lives would be forfeit. That was the last thing John remembered before the world tilted on its axis and the darkness took him.

\------O------

John came to on a bed, feeling disoriented and hung over. McKay was across the room, studying one of the walls intently, but turned around when he realized John was awake.

“Oh, good, you’re back with me. I was beginning to think I’d have to molest you in your sleep to keep us from ending up very dead in an hour or two. Because I have to tell you, there is nothing I can do to get us out of here. There’s no technology here, ancient or otherwise, that I could manipulate or that would roll over for you, begging for attention. And…” 

He paused and let out a frustrated sigh, so John took the opportunity to get a word in himself. 

“McKay, stop it. Slow down. Start from the beginning. Panic won’t help, so cut it out,” John said. He really needed to figure out what was going on. 

“Alright, fine, but time is crucial here, I’ll have you know,” Rodney said impatiently and walked towards the bed, hands propped on his hips. “While you were having your extended beauty sleep our hosts paid us a visit and repeated their threat to kill us if we don’t have sex to bring wealth and prosperity … blah blah whatever to their community. Deadline for the ‘consummation of our bond’,” he air quoted, “is sundown, which is in approximately three hours. I don’t know about you, Colonel, but dying here in this,” he gestured around himself wildly, indicating their overly plush cell “farce of a Harlequin novel room, is pretty low on the list of things I want to do - ever. So less talking, more fucking. Let’s get this over with. Chop chop, our lives are on the line.” He frowned and then pointed at his own feet, before he added almost as an afterthought: “Oh, and they took our boots.”

John needed a moment to wrap his head around the things McKay was saying. He couldn’t possibly be serious, could he? “Have you lost your mind?” John finally asked, completely bewildered by Rodney’s behavior. “What the hell, McKay? I’m not having sex with you just because some … village elders think we should. What is wrong with you? There has to be another way.” John pushed himself off the bed. He’d find a way to avoid this whole ‘having sex with your best friend’ thing and then they would never speak of it again. 

“Another way? Another way he says,” Rodney snapped. “There is no other way. These walls are solid. The fireplace is sealed off with some thick plastic-like material and the door is about eleven inches of massive steel. They won’t let us out. Check in with Atlantis isn’t until after sundown and they said they have Ronon and Teyla drugged up and out cold in another room. There won’t be any rescue team coming. We’re on our own. It’s just sex for Christ’s sake. Stop acting like some blushing virgin, Sheppard.” He looked flushed and angry, as if he couldn’t understand why John would risk their lives by playing prude. 

John threw a quick glance around the room, taking in the lack of windows and the, yes, very massive looking door. Still that didn’t mean he would give up so easily. There was just no way he’d have sex with Rodney in any shape or form, not like this. 

“It’s not just sex, McKay,” John said in a tight voice. “How dense can you possibly be? We can’t just … fuck and get out of here and then pretend nothing ever happened. This will have consequences, it will change everything. It’s just … there is absolutely no way your cock is getting near my ass and I refuse to … I just won’t do it, alright? It’s just not right.”

Rodney sighed and sat down on the edge of the bed John had just vacated. His shoulders slumped and he looked tired and drawn. Exhausted. 

John’s anger melted away.

Rodney rubbed his hands over his face and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Listen, I … I know this sucks, alright? It does, but I still think that … that we can make this whole … having sex thing work. I know I’m not … I’m not what you usually go for when you’re with a guy. I’m not … built or …” he broke off, hands flailing about unhappily. “But we could still make it work, maybe? I mean I know you only ever top and I’m fine with that and I could try to … I don’t know … be whatever you need me to be? Maybe if you just pretend I’m someone else?”

John swallowed hard. This whole situation sucked so damn much. He didn’t want this. He didn’t need this shit and he sure as hell didn’t need this conversation, either. Clenching his teeth hard, John tried to calm himself. Yelling at Rodney for trying to help wouldn’t make things any better. 

“I don’t need to pretend you’re someone else, because we’re not gonna have sex, Rodney. We’ve avoided this particular trap more than once and we’ll find a way around it this time, too.” John insisted, but he knew it sounded weak, even to his own ears. 

Rodney threw his hands in the air in frustration, jumping off the bed and stomping over to John to stab a finger into his chest. “Oh, yes, because we have so many options here, right? Why can’t we just get it over with? I know you’ve had sex with a few of my scientists and a Marine here or there, so it surely isn’t the fucking another guy part that’s got your panties in a twist. So what the hell is your problem? Don’t think you can get it up for me?”

At that, something in John snapped. He shoved at Rodney, pushing him away forcefully. “Stop that bullshit right now, McKay. They expect us to have sex and they don’t care how we feel about it, either. You know what it’s called if you’re forced to have sex against your will? Rape, Rodney. What you’re suggesting is rape. And I won’t be part of this; I won’t do this to you. I will not force myself on you so shut the fuck up about it!”

John’s hands shook so he stuffed them into the pockets of his pants and ducked his head, pulling his shoulders up. This whole fucking mess was making his skin crawl and he wanted to be anywhere but in that nice, cozy cell they had been shoved into. A gilded cage was still a cage after all, no matter the amenities. 

“Oh please. This isn’t the time for your moral outrage, Colonel,” Rodney said sharply, fixing John with a glare. “Do you honestly think they’ll just let us go if we don’t do this? Do you? What if you’re wrong? Huh? What if they’re not bluffing and they really will poison us or shoot us or whatever. What then? Is this really worth dying over?"

"No one’s gonna die here, McKay. We can still get out of this somehow. There is no fucking way I’m going to force myself on my own team member. I’m not doing this and I don’t care how nice the bed is or how cozy the fire. I don’t care what you have to tell yourself to make you be okay with this because I won’t hurt you. I won’t be used in that way.”

Rodney made a disbelieving sound and gave John a murderous glare. “Would you give it a rest already? I’m not some fainting damsel who can’t make her own decisions. I consent, alright?” Rodney paced, his face flushed with emotion. “Your noble intentions are all fine and dandy, Colonel, but both of our lives are on the line here, in case you hadn’t noticed.”

John buried his face in his hands, trying in vain to push the memories that wanted to well up in him into the deepest corners of his mind. It was only because of the countless hours of therapy and counseling that he hadn’t snapped completely. John swallowed hard, turning away from McKay and his too expressive face. 

“That’s exactly the point, Rodney. You have no idea what you’re asking of me here,” John said hoarsely. “You say you can make your own decisions, but it’s not a decision at all if the alternative is losing your life. There is no giving consent to rape.”

“And I keep telling you that it’s not rape. I want to have sex with you, you idiot!” Rodney rounded in on John. 

“It doesn’t matter, McKay!” John yelled back, heart racing and sweat breaking out all over his skin. Why couldn’t Rodney see, why couldn’t he understand? John had to find a way to make him listen. “I don’t care that you say you want it – it’s fuck or die. You’re just trying to make this easier on me. So excuse me if I’m not feeling really convinced here. Rape is never about sex. It's about ... inflicting pain or humiliation; it’s about control. It’s about power, nothing else.”

“Oh for Christ’s sake,” Rodney swore and balled his hands into tight fists at his side. He looked like he was about to explode. “I appreciate your concern over my delicate sensibilities, but I can take care of myself, thank you very much,” Rodney said with a sneer. "I don’t know how it’s gotten into your head that I only say this for your benefit but let me assure, I’m not. I’ve had plenty of sex with men before. I actually prefer men, if you must know.”

Rodney jabbed his finger in John's direction. “So, I’m sorry I’m not meeting whatever standards you’re setting for your flings, but I can promise you that I will get through sex with you with a minimum of emotional damage. Just fuck me already. Close your eyes and pretend I’m one of the guys you’re bumping boots with. Or pretend I’m a woman, I don’t care either way.”

John gritted his teeth and tried his very best to not make another snide comment. This was all such a fucking mess. When he’d imagined being with Rodney, in the privacy of his own bedroom or his shower, it had never been like this. Not … forced. Not … degrading. Hearing Rodney offering himself up like that was just wrong on so many levels. It wouldn’t ... couldn’t end well. It would be the end of their friendship, of the trust he thought they’d managed to build. 

The images came unbidden, slamming into him like a blow to the stomach. 

_Blood trickled into his left eye, the one that wasn’t swollen shut. He’d been beaten into a bloody pulp and every breath sent new shards of white hot pain through his ribcage as he lay pressed face down on a filthy cot. They’d bound his arms behind his back, wrists chafed raw from the shackles and ropes they’d use to tie him up. In front of him one of the guards was undoing his pants while a second one was cutting the rags off John’s lower body. John knew what was coming; it wasn’t the first time that these two had paid him a visit. One of them would shove his dirty cock into John’s mouth, gripping his chin or throat so tightly that John felt he’d suffocate any moment, while the other fucked him with nothing but spit as lube. It hurt, way more than John was prepared to admit. No matter what they’d told him, no matter what they’d put him through in SERE training, there was nothing that could have prepared John for the reality of what was happening to him. John just hoped it would be over soon._

John’s stomach heaved. “It’s set then; I fuck you and get us out of here, huh?” John knew he sounded off, his hands shaking uncontrollably now. He was on the verge of a panic attack and there was nothing he could do about it

Rodney narrowed his eyes. “What the hell is wrong with you? You’re not acting like yourself. Look, I know this isn’t ideal. But...would it be so bad? I mean, I wouldn’t hold it over your head or anything. No-one needs to know. And I certainly wouldn’t...expect anything. After, I mean.”

John choked out a laugh. It hurt his throat and sounded alien even to his own ears. “What? You won’t expect flowers and chocolate after I’ve raped you in a cozy off world prison? Hadn’t guessed you’re such a cheap date, McKay. Look they’ve even provided lube, so I won’t chafe my dick raw when I fuck you for their entertainment.” 

“Jesus Christ, Sheppard!” Rodney flung his arms to the side. “I keep telling you it’s not against my will! You realize we’re being repetitive here, right? Are you stupid? Did you get dropped on your head when you were a baby? Or are you just not hearing what I say? I can repeat it a few more times if you think that might help. Let me try it in small words. I AM AGREEING. I told you, I have sex with men. I like having sex with men. And I’m pretty sure sex with you won’t be a hardship if you can stop acting like some demented Victorian woman protecting her virtue!”

Rodney dropped down on the bed with a defeated sigh. “Do you find me that repulsive?”

John wished the ground would open up and swallow him whole. What a fucking nightmare. The need to put some distance between himself and Rodney got overwhelming. John walked over to the fireplace and braced himself against the mantle. It was only slightly warm; whatever material they were using for it was obviously only emitting a certain amount of heat. John realized that he’d probably have burned his hands otherwise, he was so out of it. This conversation had to end. He needed to get away from Rodney’s searching eyes; couldn’t bear to see the anger in them, or the hurt.

Finally John gathered himself and said, “You’re not repulsive and I’m not protecting my virtue. It’s not as if that’s still intact anyway.” He sighed and hung his head, trying to find the words to make Rodney _understand_ without having to spell it out. “If I’m being repetitive it’s because you keep failing to get my point. Maybe it would be easier to actually believe you if you’d even considered having sex with me before today. If I could truly believe that you’re even remotely attracted to me in that way. But you’re not. It’s just the circumstances and no matter what you think now, you’ll hate me if we go through with this. You’ll regret it. This is rape, Rodney, and I don’t care how much you deny it because I won’t see you hurt that way. I can’t have you go through that, too.” Exhaling slowly, John risked a glance in Rodney’s direction. 

Rodney looked stunned. He opened his mouth, and then shut it again. He stared at John for a long moment with that analyzing look he usually reserved for the insides of Ancient consoles but was unable to hold his silence for long. “First of all, everyone has thought about having sex with you,” Rodney started, sounding livid. “Don’t tell me you’re not aware of that. I mean, have you seen yourself? You’re a walking wet dream for half of the people on Atlantis. Second, what are you talking about? Go through this, too? _Too?_ ” Rodney’s eyes widened. “Sheppard, you...that’s not in your file,” he said, almost accusingly. He fixed John with a look somewhere between shocked disbelief and compassion.

John tensed, breath catching in his throat. He hadn’t even realized he’d slipped up. All he’d wanted was for Rodney to see that this whole having sex with each other thing was a really bad idea. Well, it was too late now, time for damage control. Time for some honesty, too. 

“Of course it's not in my file,” John said tonelessly. “Not even in the top secret ones that I know you hacked. They didn’t ... they didn’t think that ... It’s just no-one’s business but mine, alright? They train us, they ... prepare us ... to withstand torture to ... expect ... I knew this was a possibility, McKay. It was a risk I knew I was taking. Guess I’ve just been dealt a crappy hand.” John clenched his still shaking hands into fists, willing the ghostly touches he could still feel all over his body to recede. Willing the memories to stay where they belonged - in the past. 

John took a deep breath and his voice was steady when he said, “So you see, you’re not the problem - I am. You’ve just been fooled by my looks. Sometimes I even disgust myself.”

Rodney’s face had gone white during John’s painful recitation, but an angry spark flared to life in his eyes at the end of it and he jumped to his feet.

"You think you’re disgusting because someone...I thought you were smarter than that, Sheppard. If it was just your looks I’d have propositioned you years ago. But it’s not just that. I know you. And whatever shit you were dealt, you turned it around. I wouldn’t be alive if not for you, hell, half of the expedition wouldn’t be alive if it wasn’t for you. You’re a good man, Sheppard. You had a bad thing happen to you but if you think that makes what I feel...if you think that makes me think any less of you, then you’re an idiot.”

This couldn’t be happening. John wasn’t standing in a cell on a fucking backwater planet discussing how ... Discussing what exactly? When had they gone from trying to get out of having sex to talking about ... feelings? And apparently John wasn’t the only one who’d had a slip of tongue. 

“What you feel?” John whispered, mesmerized by Rodney’s passionate speech. “What _do_ you feel, Rodney? You said if it had been just my looks you’d gone after me years ago. You didn’t. What does me saving your life have to do with all of this? What is it you’re not telling me, Rodney?” 

John’s heart was beating wildly in his chest and he felt like he’d been transported to some sort of twisted parallel universe where nothing made sense any more. It was a strange feeling and had probably a lot to do with his body’s reaction to the memories. There was adrenaline rushing through him and he felt shaky and somehow out of it. 

Rodney scrubbed his hands over his face. “Sheppard, I...I know you’re mostly straight. Well, with extremely few, select exceptions, but whatever… I knew I wouldn’t qualify in any case. And clearly you have very good reasons to be ... selective. I can’t imagine...well, that’s neither here nor there.”

Rodney’s mouth twisted as he waged some sort of internal battle with himself, before he visibly straightened his spine and squared his shoulders. “Since we’re being all sharey, and since things couldn’t possible get any more awkward or humiliating between us right now, I have to admit...I like you. No, that’s not right either. I …”

Rodney started pacing again. “You mean more to me than, well, anyone. For the first time in my life I care if someone besides myself is happy, or sad, or in pain. I don’t ever want you to be in pain, Sheppard. Not if I can help it. I know that you’re protective of me, I mean, you’re protective of everyone, but more of your friends … and we are friends. But for me that’s not all there is. I know it’s not the same for you, and I’m not asking for anything I know you can’t give me. Just...I care. Okay?”

John stepped into the path Rodney was still pacing, drawing a startled yelp from him. 

“Rodney, Rodney stop it. And don’t call me Sheppard.” Hesitantly John reached out and gripped Rodney’s upper arms. He needed the connection to calm the flutter in his stomach and the shaking of his hands. 

“Alright, just for the record, I’m not ‘mostly straight’. I’m bi, always have been. What happened to me didn’t change that at all. I didn’t really try to hide the fact that I’ve had male bed-partners too, and you obviously knew that, considering ... nevermind. But I didn’t know that you’re interested. In me. In having more than just a platonic friendship. God, Rodney, how could you ever think I’d reject you? I care for you, too. You’re my best friend. How can you not know that? How can you not know how I feel about you? How can you say it’s not the same for me than it is for you? You’re the single most important person in my life. I would do anything to protect you from harm; you gotta know that!”

Rodney closed his eyes and let out a deep, shuddering breath. When he opened them again everything he felt was clearly written on his face. Hope. Love. Happiness. Insecurity. Tenderness. John had always thought that Rodney’s eyes spoke the truth even more clearly than his mouth ever did. 

“Then what the hell are we fighting about?” Rodney asked and brought one hand up, cupping John’s face gently in his palm as he leaned in for a kiss.

John’s breath hitched and anticipation seared through him at the prospect of Rodney kissing him for the first time. 

“John,” Rodney whispered against his lips.

John felt his stomach do a little flip at the first hesitant touch of Rodney’s lips against his. He was somewhere between exhilarated and terrified. This was really happening. How had they gotten here? When had convincing Rodney that he didn't want to have sex with him turned into admitting that ... 

All thought fled John when he felt Rodney’s hand slip into his hair, tugging lightly, while Rodney deepened the kiss. They fit together perfectly. Suddenly kissing wasn’t enough. John let his hand slip from Rodney’s arm, bringing it around his waist. Rodney reacted instantly and moved forward until their chests touched. 

“What was the question again?” John asked, after a moment.

“I believe it was, what the hell were we waiting for?” Rodney surged against him, pushy but gentle at the same time, as if he thought he might hurt John. His arousal was hard to ignore, the way it insistently pressed against John’s own, but he kept his hands well above John’s waist. “You can say no,” he murmured against John’s mouth. “Any time, no matter what. I won’t do anything to hurt you, I swear I won’t. Even if it means that we have to fight our way out of here.”

“Not a damsel in distress either, McKay,” John said softly, leaning over to press a kiss against Rodney’s neck. Then he moved to nibble on Rodney’s earlobe. “Thank you for caring. Thank you for ... god, you have no idea what you’re doing to me.” 

Therapy had helped him work through the events of the past and John had long since reached a point where he was okay with most situations regarding sex. Rodney was right though, he always topped. John found that he just couldn’t trust his bed partners enough to make himself vulnerable in that way; giving up control had never been his strong suit even before the events in Afghanistan. Strangely enough in Rodney’s arms John felt ... secure. John knew that, given a little time, he’d be ready to share that with Rodney too. It wasn’t that big a step, not really anyway. He’d trusted this man with his life countless times; trusting him with his body wasn’t going to be a problem.

Rodney tipped his head to the side to give John better access to the sensitive skin at the junction of neck and shoulder. He kept one hand in John’s hair but the other moved down, stroking firmly over John’s ass before detouring around to the front. Rodney palmed John’s erection through his clothes, his breath coming in little pants.

“God, you’re amazing. John, you have no idea how long I’ve wanted this. Wanted you.”

John’s breath hitched when he felt Rodney’s hand on him. “I’ve wanted you too, Rodney. Since the moment I first saw you in Antarctica, wearing that orange jacket,” he admitted. He’d been attracted to Rodney from the start, never actually believing anything at all would come of it

“I’ll need to be able to see you at all times,” John warned, suddenly feeling insecure. He didn’t have  
many problems, but it was probably best to be honest about what obstacles might lay ahead. 

“And don’t try to hold me down, not even as a joke. I could end up hurting you when my self-defense instincts kick in and I’m trying to get free. Other than that, I’m game. Do you know how often I’ve dreamed about having your hands on me? Touching me like you would touch an interesting Ancient device? Your hands fascinate me…” John trailed off, reaching for Rodney’s hand that was still in his hair, linking their fingers. 

“I meant what I said. You can fuck me, John, face to face.” Rodney maneuvered him to the bed. He drew their linked hands to his mouth, placing a reverent kiss on John’s knuckles. “I want you to see me. I want you to be with _me_.”

There was color high on his cheeks, his eyes dark with lust, as he slowly unbuttoned his shirt. “No regrets. No second-guessing.”

“This isn’t about them any more at all, is it?” John asked, beyond amazed. “You really actually want to be with me.” John knew it was stupid to second guess what was starting to unfold between them, but this was all so sudden and somewhat surreal. 

“It’s never been about them at all. It’s always been about you. About us,” Rodney replied sincerely, never once breaking eye contact with John. He looked and sounded like he meant it. He looked like John was the most important, most precious thing in the world to him. It was intoxicating. 

“I don’t want this to be just ... sex. I don’t want to just fuck you and then we go back to the way things were when we return to Atlantis,” John said. He pulled his t-shirt out of his pants and up over his head along with the black BDU shirt he’d been wearing. John climbed onto the bed and crawled over to Rodney, who had settled himself against the huge decorative pillows, looking relaxed. God, how he loved that guy.

“I need this to mean something or else I’ll never be sure that you didn’t just ... take one for the team. I ... god Rodney, listen to me. I sound like some teenage girl. What are you doing to me? What the hell are you doing to me?” John murmured into the skin of Rodney’s neck.

Rodney captured John’s head between his hands, moving him around so they were eye to eye. “This is just you and me, John. No-one else. Do you have any idea how sexy I find your brain? You pretend to be a dumb flyboy most of the time but I know better. It’s like you’re some sort of really complicated puzzle and no one has figured you out but me.”

John let himself being pulled down for a kiss, stunned speechless by Rodney’s words. 

“I love you, John. I feel like maybe I always have. And I’ll shout it from the top of every goddamn tower in Atlantis!” Rodney said, sounding completely sincere. 

John grinned. “So my brain turns you on, huh?” He leaned down and placed a soft, chaste kiss against Rodney’s lips. “Just ... don’t go shouting it from the towers - people will think you’ve gone off the deep end and that would be a shame, really. There are so many other ways you can show me how much you love my ... brain,” John said and nipped at Rodney's bottom lip. 

John nosed the side of Rodney’s chin before he sought his eyes and whispered, “I love you too, Rodney.” 

Rodney fairly glowed beneath him, his crooked mouth stretched in a wide grin.

“You know, now that I’m thinking about it we should send these guys a fruit basket. Right before I blow up their Stargate,” Rodney said in a conversational tone. 

“Now now, don’t go do anything harsh, alright?” John teased, hands dropping to the button of Rodney’s BDUs. “No blowing up Stargates, buddy. It’s bad style. I’m sure you can come up with something way more creative ... after I’ve worn you out, that is.” 

He looked up from the task at hand, searching Rodney’s face for permission to go on, to undress him further.

“I’m too old to come in my pants, John,” Rodney said with smirk. He rolled his hips, pushing his erection into John's hand. “I wouldn’t wait too long. I can’t...it’s been such a long time...”

“I'm not gonna tease you, Rodney, but I need to do this right. There’s no way I’ll risk hurting you,” John said as he slipped the pants and boxers off Rodney’s hips leaving him bare. “Been a long time for me, too. There are not many people I trust enough to ...” he broke off, unwilling to bring his past into focus again, to give it any power over the present, over his time with Rodney. There was only room in this bed for two people. 

He took a deep breath, focusing on really looking at Rodney for the first time. All that smooth, pale skin. The excited flush on Rodney’s cheeks, the arousal he didn’t even try to hide. 

“God, Rodney, look at you. You’re so damn hot,” John whispered. He sat back on his heels, admiring the view. 

Rodney flushed even more than he already was, but he didn't break eye contact with John.

“You’re stupidly hot yourself, and that’s with most of your clothes still on.” It sounded like an invitation for John to get the rest of the way undressed, but Rodney forestalled him with a hand around the back of John’s neck, pulling him down for a kiss.

“Even better than chocolate,” he murmured, licking at John’s lips.

John grinned, feeling happy and lightheaded. “Better than coffee, too?” he teased, nipping at Rodney’s earlobe again. 

“Hmm, I’ll have to sample some more before I can make a decision about that,” Rodney replied, sounding breathless. 

John smiled at him before leaning down and licking at one of Rodney’s nipples. “I think for now I’ll be the one doing the sampling,” he murmured, kissing his way down Rodney’s chest towards his stomach. 

Rodney’s hands twisted the bedsheets. “Yeah. God, that feels good.” His stomach muscles clenched under John’s lips. 

“Go on, tell me what you like. I wonder what it will take to shut down that big brain of yours. Shut you up in the most fun way ever,” John said. He leaned down and breathed onto Rodney’s cock, giving the moist tip a quick lick. 

Rodney’s back arched, hips jerking upwards. He almost hit John in the chin so John drew back and firmly placed his hands onto Rodney’s hipbones, pinning him down. “Don’t thrust,” he warned and slowly sucked the head of Rodney’s cock into his mouth. 

“Sorry, sorry,” Rodney panted. But even with John pinning him to the bed his hips still twitched. “Don’t be a cock tease, John.” He wiggled a little, trying to make John speed up a bit.

“I’m not teasing, I’m … sampling. Don’t rush me, Rodney, I like taking my time, “John grinned at him, wickedly. Sex with Rodney was as much fun as he’d imagined it to be. “Now be good and hold still or I’ll stop altogether.” He wouldn’t of course, but Rodney didn’t need to know that. 

Rodney glared up at him but made a visible effort to stop moving around so much. “If you stop I’ll kill you before the Uskion have the chance.”

John tensed. He knew Rodney didn’t mean anything with his comment, but the mentioning of their hosts and the reminder of the circumstances that had brought them to the current situation was like being dosed with ice-water. He sat back on his haunches and took a deep breath. 

“Threatening me already to get me to service you, McKay?” John asked in a cold tone. He knew he was doing Rodney wrong but he couldn’t help his knee jerk reaction to the way Rodney’s words had sounded. “Honeymoon sure was over fast.”

Rodney lay back, eyes closed. “Shit. I’m sorry. I didn’t...it wasn’t...I didn’t mean it that way.” He let out a deep, shuddering sigh. “I knew I was gonna screw this up.”

John rubbed his face and took another deep breath. The guilt and … shame … that was visible on Rodney’s face was even harder to bear than the mention of their current situation. It wasn’t Rodney’s fault that navigating John’s past was sometimes much like walking around in a mine field never quite knowing when something would blow up in your face. 

“You didn’t screw up, Rodney. Not really anyway. I overreacted. I’m sorry.” John ducked his head and rubbed his neck, feeling completely out of his depth. “It’s just … I’m not used to this. I’m not used to it being like this. The sex I mean. When I’m with a guy we just … fuck and go our separate ways, no strings attached.” John sighed because Rodney still looked miserable. “I’m not used to it meaning something, okay? This whole situation sucks and suddenly there’s feelings involved and …” He broke off unable to put into words how much their current situation was messing with his head. 

Rodney looked at him for a moment, before he opened his arms in invitation and said softly, “Come here.”

John hesitated only for a second, then he leaned down and carefully lowered himself onto Rodney’s body, head buried in the crook of Rodney’s neck. He breathed in Rodney’s scent, felt Rodney’s fingers hesitantly card through his hair. 

“Let’s agree not to do this blaming each other thing, alright? You’re messed up, I’m messed up, we can be fucked up together. Now, I’ll try my best to keep my mouth shut about things that really have no room in our bed, if you remember that I’m here because I want to be. No other reason. I love you. But if you’re looking for just another one night stand, I’m the wrong guy. Cause that’s one thing I can’t give you, sorry.”

John smiled against the skin of Rodney’s neck. “Not asking for it, buddy. One night’s not ever gonna be enough with you. I thought you knew that.”

John could feel Rodney’s skin flush hot. “Yes, well. So we’re done with the talking then?” Without waiting for a reply he pushed at John until the other man moved back enough that Rodney could kiss him, deep and dirty.

John groaned. His erection that had been flagging slightly during their awkward and painful conversation came back full force. Suddenly John was very aware of the fact that he was lying on top of Rodney, still halfway clothed wile Rodney was completely naked underneath him. Experimentally John ground his hips down, their erections rubbing against each other through the rough cloth of his BDUs.

Rodney bit his lip and moaned, his fingers biting into John’s shoulders, but he never took his eyes off of John. His pupils were blown, and everything he felt was written plainly on his face.

John grinned and leaned down to Rodney’s ear, biting the lobe gently before he drawled, “I’m gonna suck you off now. Gonna be so good, Rodney. But you really need to keep still, alright? Don’t wanna ruin it by choking on you.”

John pushed himself up and off, sliding down Rodney’s body until he could place his hands onto Rodney’s hips again. He locked eyes with Rodney before taking Rodney’s hard cock into his mouth, sucking him in slowly. 

“Guh,” Rodney said, his eyes rolling back in his head. He gripped the blankets so hard his knuckles turned white but managed to keep his hips from doing more than twitching. “Oh god. So good, John.”

John let Rodney’s cock slip from his mouth and said, “Not good enough to make you speechless, yet.” 

“I don’t think that’s a goal you want to set yourself, because I’m pretty sure I’m only ever speechless when I’m asleep or unconscious,” Rodney gasped when John let go of his hips and started to palm his cock instead. 

John grinned but didn’t comment on that. Instead he sped up the movement of his hand, jacking Rodney in long, sure strokes and adding a little twist at the crown. When he swiped his thumb over the slit, Rodney keened. 

“Please, please John. I’m so close. Please just …” he broke off, panting.

“What, Rodney? What do you want? Tell me what you want me to do,” John encouraged in a low voice, completely mesmerized by Rodney’s display of trust. He held nothing back. There was no reservation, no shame on his face, just lust and love. 

“Whatever you want is fine with me just … I need more. Please John, I’m so close…” Rodney’s hands twisted the sheets again.

“Whatever I want?” John asked and smiled. It was a heady feeling, seeing Rodney come apart beneath his hands. 

“Yes, yes, anything…” Rodney repeated, his eyes falling closed. There was a fine sheen of sweat glistening on his flushed skin and his breath came in short little puffs. John thought he’d never looked hotter than in that moment. 

“Hmm, I believe I promised to suck you off,” John said and placed his hands back on Rodney’s hips. He let Rodney’s cock slip deep into his throat in one long, slow motion, swallowing around it. 

It felt like a couple of lifetimes ago since John had last actually enjoyed giving head. He’d done it on occasion these last few years but it was more of a chore than an actual pleasure on his part. A means to get his partner off quickly after he’d fucked him. With Rodney though, it was different. John was seriously turned on by Rodney’s reaction to what he was doing. He pulled every trick he knew and when he hummed in the back of his throat Rodney jerked and cried out, flooding John’s mouth and throat with come. 

Swallowing what he could, John let go of Rodney’s cock, the last few spurts of come hitting Rodney’s stomach. Rodney lay panting in a boneless sprawl looking completely fucked out. 

“Wow, that was …” he stammered, clearly lost for words.

“Close enough to speechless for me,” John grinned and wiped at his chin. He leaned over to claim Rodney’s mouth. John had never understood how anyone could say that come tasted good; the bitter-salty taste was definitely something he could have lived without. But when Rodney plunged his tongue into John’s mouth chasing his own taste, it was hot as hell. It shouldn’t have been as sexy as it was, but clearly Rodney liked it. 

“Gimme a minute and I’ll be ready to do some sampling of my own,” Rodney smiled up at John, still sounding breathless. “I’ve waited too damn long for this. Gonna map every inch of you, see what you like best. You’re just so damn hot.” 

A jolt of excitement shot through John at the prospect of getting to have Rodney’s hands on him, all of his attention focused on figuring out what would give John the most pleasure. Suddenly John was acutely aware of the fact that his own cock was still trapped in his trousers. 

Moving away from Rodney’s warm body, John efficiently stripped off the rest of his clothes, dropping them to the floor next to Rodney’s discarded gear. He threw Rodney a look, suddenly unsure what to do. How would they go about this?

Rodney, whose eyes never had left John, seemed to know what was going on because he rolled to his side and patted the space next to him on the bed. “Come lie with me? I promise I won’t do anything you don’t want.”

John felt a pang of regret at Rodney’s words. Rodney was careful and considerate, treating him in a way one would treat a skittish horse, careful not to trigger him. It was so sad that John could deal with anonymous fucks and be fine, but when it came to intimacy with someone who mattered, all bets were off. Somehow John never felt more defenseless and laid bare than when he was with Rodney. Vulnerable – the last thing he ever wanted to feel. He had nothing but his firm belief that Rodney wouldn’t let him down. 

“I trust you,” John said, as much for Rodney’s benefit as his own. It was a reminder that Rodney would never do anything to willingly hurt John. He took a deep breath and lay down beside Rodney facing him. 

Rodney smiled at him. He touched John’s face, tracing his lips, the outline of his ears before moving on to John’s neck, his chest. All tension bled out of John when Rodney leaned forward and began licking at his nipples, blowing on them or gently nipping at them while his hands were rubbing soothing patterns onto his arms and sides. He took his time, tenderly exploring John’s body. Soon enough John was lost in a haze of need and want and _more_. 

When Rodney plunged his tongue into his navel, John’s breath hitched and a low moan escaped him. John could feel the broad smile on Rodney’s face as he pressed his face against John’s stomach. 

“You like that, huh?” Rodney asked. “I bet you like this, too, then.” The next moment John could feel Rodney lick the underside of his cock, smearing precome onto his stomach. The angle was awkward though so John rolled onto his back, giving Rodney better access to his body. Thankfully Rodney didn’t try to straddle him or settle himself onto John at all; he just kept pressing small kisses onto John’s stomach and on occasion onto his cock. 

“You’re gorgeous, John,” Rodney murmured into his skin. “I’d love to keep doing this. Take you in, suck you down. Make you come. But I want to feel you inside me even more. I want you to fuck me. Will you?” He lifted his head and looked John square in the eyes. “Please?” 

John closed his eyes and took a deep breath. This was what he’d fantasized about countless times. How could he deny Rodney anything at all when his body was thrumming with the need for them to be as close as possible? To be inside Rodney, surrounded by him, to lay claim to him? 

“Think that can be arranged,” John finally said and pushed himself upright. 

Rodney grinned at him broadly and very deliberately arranged himself on the bed, legs falling open in invitation and his cock hard and leaking against his stomach once more. 

John took a moment to admire the view, taking in every detail from the flushed skin to the peaked nipples, the hard cock. Rodney’s pupils were blown, his lips swollen from kissing, his hair mussed and sticking up at all angles. He looked well and truly fucked already. It was the hottest thing John had ever seen. 

Kneeling between Rodney’s spread thighs John reached over to the fancy bedside table where a jar with some sort of lubricant was sitting. He opened it and dipped his fingers into the clear gel, rubbing it between his fingertips to test the texture. It was smooth and silky, and thick enough that it didn’t drip. John raised his fingers to smell it, too; the last thing he wanted was for Rodney to go into anaphylactic shock because there was some sort of citrus in the lube. He needn’t have worried. If anything the gel smelled faintly of something akin to Aloe. John deemed it safe to use on Rodney. 

“You sure about this, Rodney?” John asked. He needed to be absolutely certain that this was what Rodney wanted. 

“Yes. Without a doubt. Fuck me, John,” Rodney replied without hesitation. He reached for John, hands tangling in his hair as he pulled him down, tongue plundering John’s mouth. 

John groaned into the kiss, before he reluctantly drew away. He couldn’t take much more of this or it would be over before he’d even gotten inside Rodney at all. 

As if he’d read his mind, Rodney opened his legs wider, planted his feet on the bed and tilted his hips to give John better access. It was as clear an invitation as John had ever seen one. John slipped his fingers between Rodney’s ass cheeks, rubbing the lube lightly over the rim. 

Rodney moaned and hitched one of his legs up towards his chest, opening himself even more to the gentle pressure John was putting onto him. John’s finger slipped into Rodney with ease, making John groan and bite his lip. Rodney’s body felt so hot and tight around his finger. 

Thrusting a couple of times, John decided that he could add another finger, Rodney’s body opening up for him quickly. The moment John brushed over Rodney’s prostate his whole body tensed, back arching. “Yes, right there. Do that again,” Rodney hissed and John hurried to oblige. 

When John was about to press a third finger into Rodney’s loosened hole, Rodney’s hand suddenly closed around his wrist. John stilled, looking at Rodney questioningly. “You want me to stop?” John asked. Rodney had seemed to enjoy himself but if he’d changed his mind, John would accept that. 

“Want you to fuck me. I’m close and I want to come with you inside me,” Rodney said instead, sounding breathless. “Please John. Now!”

John nodded. “Alright, if you’re sure. No condoms though, sorry buddy.” He’d never had sex without protection before and even though Carson made sure they both were clean, this was a special situation. 

“Don’t mind,” Rodney panted. He was fisting the sheets again looking even more flushed than before if that was possible. “I wanna feel your come inside me, wanna feel you fill me up till it’s dripping out of me again…” He looked at John with such lust written all over his face that John had to squeeze the base of his cock hard to not come then and there. 

John quickly lubed himself up and hooked one of Rodney’s legs up over his shoulder, pushing the other one against his chest as he slowly pressed into Rodney’s body. 

Rodney groaned and tried to tilt his hips in an attempt to make John speed up, to get him deeper. John stilled, but Rodney would have none of it. 

“Come on, John,” he snapped. “Move, dammit; you’re killing me here. Fuck me. Come on, fuck me already.” 

John stared in fascination as Rodney came apart beneath him. He pulled back, almost all the way out and then thrust in again, hard and fast. In no time his hips were snapping forward in a frenzied rhythm, with Rodney murmuring obscenities, spurring him on. 

Suddenly Rodney gasped out John’s name, body clenching tight around John’s cock and wet heat spreading between their bodies and it sent John right over the edge as well. He thrust into the pliant body beneath him two more times before he carefully lowered himself on top of Rodney, breathing heavily. 

Rodney found his voice first. “That was awesome, John. I could get used to this,” he murmured and started to feather kisses all along John’s shoulder. 

John rolled them over so they were lying on their sides and he wasn’t crushing Rodney, but still were skin to skin all the way. Rodney placed his head against John’s chest and snuggled up close, a contented smile on his face. 

“We should get some sleep,” John said, feeling sated and happy. Holding Rodney like this didn’t feel alien at all, instead it felt like he’d finally found what he had been missing all along. Rodney made an affirmative sound, apparently almost halfway asleep already and John allowed himself a grin. 

“I could get used to this, too, you know. Going to sleep with you in my arms and waking up with you again,” John whispered and brushed a small kiss into Rodney’s hair. 

There was a scent like flowers in the room and John felt the world fade away.

\------O------

They woke at dawn to find themselves near the Gate, fully dressed and with their weapons at hand. Teyla and Ronon were nearby and while they looked as tired and hung over as John felt, they seemed to be unharmed. Teyla reported that she had explained to the Uskion how great an offense they had committed and that there would be no trade or friendship between their people. They would be lucky if the Lanteans just decided to lock the coordinates out and never come again, instead of seeking retribution for the threatening of the lives of two of their men.

The Uskion apparently didn’t understand the fuss and while they were deeply sorry to have offended the trade party, they clearly couldn’t understand what the problem with their request had been in the first place. 

They had sent Teyla for the check in with Atlantis, threatening to kill her team mates should she call for back-up. Teyla said that she had still managed to get the message across to Atlantis that the team was in some sort of trouble but that an all out guns blazing rescue mission would likely get them killed. Thankfully they had pre-set code-words and phrases for situations like these. 

Since the Uskion had promised to release them at dawn should the ritual be concluded to their satisfaction, Teyla had promised their return to Atlantis for the early morning. Should they miss that check in a rescue team would be sent anyway. 

It seemed they wouldn’t need that rescue team after all. 

The council had decided to leave the party at the ring of the Ancestors, hoping that the Lanteans would view it as an act of good will and leave them be to never return. Clearly they were too different to come to any kind of understanding.

The team decided to just go home. At the end of the day the Uskion’s impromptu matchmaking had not done any permanent harm to them and John would rather the incident didn’t end up in a report even in edited form. 

When it was clear that all of them were mostly fine, they dialed Atlantis and headed home.

\------O------

When they came through the wormhole a whole medical team was waiting for them in the Gate room. Even Carson was there and he was rushing towards Rodney the second he spied him. John watched in amusement as Rodney forestalled any fussing by thrusting out his hand towards the doctor and snapping, “I’m perfectly fine Carson, no need to panic.” Given the fact that Rodney usually was the biggest hypochondriac on Atlantis, Carson seemed to believe him. He backed up a little and instead ordered the gurneys away that had been brought.

Rodney turned his back on Carson and tapped his earpiece. “McPherson? Yes? Yes I just wanted to know if the apartment in the south tower is still available. The one with the balcony … yes exactly that. It is? Good! Good! I want it. Yes, I’m serious. Colonel Sheppard and I will be moving in ASAP. Yes, yes, we’ll be moving in there together. Well, do what you must but I assure you that I am not joking nor am I delusional. Yes, yes, whatever, go and do your job. McKay out.” 

The Gate room had gone completely silent during Rodney’s brief conversation. Everyone was staring at him and John with varying degrees of surprise, wonder and also worry. 

John rubbed his neck, feeling uneasy. He hadn’t thought that Rodney would announce that they were moving in together in the middle of the Gate room, let alone would think about such a thing after just a couple of hours spent together. 

“What?” Rodney asked, all innocent, when John threw him a disbelieving look and shook his head lightly. “You only said I couldn’t shout it from the towers. You never said anything about not getting us shared quarters.” There was a hint of insecurity creeping onto his face and John hurried to chase it away before it could grow. 

“You’re something else, McKay,” John murmured and reached out to pull Rodney close by grabbing him by his tac-vest. “Come here,” he whispered against Rodney’s lips before he kissed him in front of everyone in the middle of the gate room. 

And they lived happily ever after. ;)


End file.
